Some of you may remember that I had a small spot of trouble with a flight operator called Ryanair when I tried (that being the key word) to go on holiday last year. The upshot is that - due to circumstances mostly beyond our control - we missed our flight, missed the wedding we'd been trying to get to, and went uncompensated.

Well, they're bastards, but now I have my comeuppance. Sort of.

Last Monday, Channel 4 aired an episode of their series 'Dispatches', one of their methods being the use of undercover journalists to infiltrate a particular company or operation. Two women thus enrolled in the flight assistant program, and a few months the show was aired under the subtitle 'Ryanair: Caught Napping'.

I know that as with all things, when flying you get what you pay for, and Ryanair flights cost almost nothing. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect, y'know, the absolute minimum. Which, at least when the documentary was filmed, was not provided.

The full list of observed cockbasketry is here and includes:

+ During the journalists' training, their tutor informed them that in the event of a certain plane used by RA crashing, the passenger in seat 1A would have their head impaled on a protruding piece of metal directly in front of her. Although RA don't use this aircraft any more, the fact that they knew well enough of the danger to tell flight crew about it is enough.

+ They received no onboard training. Okay? New recruits never set foot on a real, actual plane that goes in the air until their first flight.

+ Temporary security passes are issued to trainees but can be renewed. They found a new employee who hadn't undergone a background check for 3 months, and had been told not to admit this to the authorities (obviously).

+ The crew captain had a huge go at one of the journalists for checking passengers' passports at the boarding gate, which delayed the flight by ten minutes. Wait, what? I know passports are already checked at least twice before this stage, and I hate to sound paranoid but nonetheless, the distance between security checks and the boarding gate is more than large enough to hand your boarding card to Bob P. Terrorist. And that's if Bob P. Terrorist isn't already working in the cabin crew. Later the same journalist was told that it was sufficient to check the the passengers had a passport, not necessarily that it was in their name or had their picture in it.

+ Another load of problems (including Fun With Passports) arises from RA aiming to have a plane ready for takeoff 25 minutes after it lands. There is absolutely no way that this is possible to do thoroughly. So it's done half-assedly:

+ Since the crew didn't have enough time to move out bags of rubbish, it was stowed in the toilets for the duration of the next flight (and maybe the one after that, for all I know) and stank. (in RA's response to the listed allegations - although not so much 'allegations' as 'things on film which actually happened' - its response to this one specifically was a terse 'Noted'.)

+ A baby had been sick on one of the flights. No time to scrub it off properly or with detergent, so it was scraped off as best as possible and one of the crew used aftershave to hide the smell. Eck.

+ One of the journalists was told by a colleague that since they lacked time, she only had to check for the presence of lifejackets unless she 'really wanted to'. WTF PEOPLE. I don't mind shitty customer service, absurdly overpriced food, a pathetic quantity of legroom, and I could even tolerate the concept of baby puke. But not quite knowing whether or not my lifejacket was stolen by some drunken retard on the previous flight? Hell no.

+ Cabin crew were (are?) treated like crap and paid a pittance. This pittance is paid per flight, not by the hour, so they're being paid precisely nothing during the 25-minute turnaround. This also means that if a flight is delayed and a plane has to spend two hours circling the airport beore it can land, then tough shit, you still get the flat rate. There were also reports of crew working a 50-60 hour week and being exhausted to the point of falling asleep during flights. Why they put up with this bullshit is beyond me; I can only conclude that airlines (British Airways et al) use budget airlines as a nursery of sorts for employees.

I really don't think that any of the above is acceptable for any airline, budget or not. Brilliantly, Ryanair has published 'some of' the letters of support it received after the programme was aired, and could only rustle up about 10. Come on, guys. At least 25 or I'm going to think that's all you got. And I can only wonder how many letters they got saying 'I was right all along; you guys are cockmongers'.

As for things in the programme which didn't bother me, there's one:

+ During a three-hour delay during which the full plane was kept on the ground, unable for whatever reason to take off, the passengers were offered water. Fair enough; you get what you pay for. An angry customer demanded that the passengers be offered other non-alcoholic beverages, however it was against the rules to open the on-board bar while the plane was on the ground. He persisted, and the pilot told him flat out: 'If I open the bar, then no question - I will lose my job. Would you like to come back to Ireland with me and tell my wife and children why I can no longer put food on the table?' I'm told the guy shut up and drank his water.

...so overall I'm pretty glad I missed my flight.

Love,

Naomi